 |
|
|
|
|
|
Dear Doctor:
My husband started a position in December 1996. He was hired at the same time with a group of others, including a single female, who is the same age as him. My husband and this person became friends and went to lunch together once a week. My husband has some work experience and he was helping this person with her work in order to do her job better.
She in turn would call him during work often to ask for advice and to talk in general. She would also be seen going to his work area often to talk. She would talk to my husband about her painful breakup with her boyfriend, her bankruptcy, and her neediness for a companion.
He invited this person to our home a couple of times, and I prepared dinner
and showed the usual hospitality. I thought I could have a friendship with this
woman. I invited her to go out to dinner, rented movies for her, got tickets to
see a play and drove, etc. She in turn has never initiated anything with me
alone. It seems as though my husband always has to be a part of an activity in
order for her to show interest.
When we are together, I notice that she sticks her chest out for him to notice,
and communicates through other body language that will make a man notice her.
She does this to other men in the office who are married.
Gossip has gone around the office about this woman and my husband, as well as
her and a male manager. They are saying that she is after my husband and
possibly this manager since she is in great need of a man.
Is this all just nonsense or is she really possibly trying to lure my
husband? I have known my husband for 10 years and he will would never do
anything adulterous. I am concerned though with my husband's reputation and
whether or not this woman's intentions are bad. If they are, should I continue
to let her come to our home and allow her to have lunch with my husband?
Hope to hear from you soon!
Signed,
Irritated By Gossip
Dear Irritated:
Is it nonsense? Perhaps. But not to you.
If his behavior doesn't fit, he's not it. This is to suggest that if your
husband is professional in his assistance to the co-worker, rumors will not hurt
him.
However, from your description of the situation, I gather that your reading of
his female co-worker is that she has gone beyond the bounds of a professional
"student-mentor" relationship. They joined the company at the same
time, and it seemed natural that they should strike up a friendship. Perhaps to
help you know that their friendship was above board, he invited her to your home
to meet you. You, too, went the second mile to befriend her.
Apparently, you have learned from you husband or other gossip, that she is a
vixen, who either intentionally or mindlessly, has poured out her troubles to
your husband, has frequently sought his counsel, has accepted your hospitality,
and has expressed her body language seductively. You ask should you continue to
invite her into your home and should you allow your husband to have lunch with
her?
You are jealous and worried about your husband's reputation, if not his
seduceableness. So what can you do to prevent the gossip and to keep the
green-eyed monster from eating your heart?.
You cannot stop gossip. You husband, however, can help it fade away. He can
distance himself from the woman, either subtly or, after a tactful explanation
to her that he is doing so, so that the rumor mill will have no grist. He
probably should explain to her that their work paths should cross less
frequently and only for necessary business reasons.
As far as not "allowing" her to have lunch with your husband, that in
my opinion, is something you and he should discuss rather than is something you
should order. I suspect that your conversations have already considered that he
cut off the once a week lunch as a way of distancing himself from her, and since
he likely knows your worries, I expect he will initiate that.
I suspect that the more important issue is your need for reassurance. You
need to know you are the only one, and that you are loved--that your 10-year
marriage can withstand a single-on-prowl-co-worker who finds your husband
someone she turns to and enjoys. Can you and he in your pillow talk share your
hearts' concerns without strident accusations? Can he set your mind at ease?
Will he?
WEGO extends trust and trusting beyond the workplace
to home,
--Bill Gorden