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I
love what I do--but, I'm too much of a people pleaser. I'm a brainiac
doing a Sally Field ("they really like me" Oscar bit) and I need to stop.
How can I develop some backbone fast and keep it up long term? I know being wishy-washy
and always being the nice, supportive one can sabotage me in the end.
Signed,
Wishy-Washy
Dear
Wishy-Washy:
Wanting to please is not bad in itself. It is only self destructive when you allow yourself to be discounted. The question is do you count? Does your opinion do more than echo others? Do you have a say in what is decided in your workplace?
In my city there is a hospital in which some of the nurses requested a course in assertiveness. The doctor in charge responded to the request, saying "My girls don't need assertiveness training. They're a group of marshmallows." The next day all of the nurses wore marshmallows on their uniforms, and they asserted that they would take such a course, regardless of the opinion of the head doctor.
Assertiveness begins with goal setting. Short term goals first such as taking some training that enhances your job competency and self confidence. Long term pleasing yourself hinges on seeing yourself as making a professional contribution. That contribution can be gaining technical expertise in a field followed by several years of cross training in your chosen vocation.
What I am suggesting is a two pronged approach to self efficacy: Specific task competence based on occupational skills and General self efficacy. An eight-item general self efficacy scale to measure your overall judgment and feelings about how able you are is provided next:
Score yourself from 1-Never to 5-Always on each of the following items.
I will be able to achieve most of the goals that I have set for myself.
This scale was developed by Glad Chen, Stanely M. Gully & Dov Eden and is found in "Validation of A New General Self Efficacy Scale" in Organizational Research Methods, 4, January 2001, 62-83.
Once you know yourself as a capable person, you will find your voice. You will speak as a competent person, but not a know it all. You will dress and groom yourself as a professional person. You will listen respectfully and respond thoughtfully, if only to say, "I must think more about that." You will not giggle frequently and will not task tag questions, " What do you think?"
Please pretend you are a confident person for a while to see how it feels, and then make the needed choices to gain job competencies that will make that pretense unnecessary.
Do tell us what you have done in a few weeks along your path to washing away the wishy-washiness.
WEGO for making wishes come true.
Bill Gorden
Workplace Doctors