 |
|
|
|
|
|
I
work on a team of software trainers that consists of eight people. I am a
30-year-old female and have been at this office for 2.5 years, a
female friend of mine in her early 30s has been here for three years, and
our team has a 59-year-old ex-military male who started just over a year ago.
This man has been insufferable in causing problems for the two of us practically
since the day he started.
He started off first by complaining to my friend on a daily basis that he hated working here. She tried her best to counsel him and make him feel more positive. Then he started trying to be more friendly with me by starting personal conversations and telling off-color jokes which I did not discourage. His negativity about his job increased over the months and the two of us started to get sick of him. The kicker came after six months when he asked to speak privately in a room and berated me for 45 minutes telling me that he thinks I am immature, rude, unprofessional and insulting. He based these accusations on a series of incidents which were grossly misinterpreted. I told him I thought we could solve this issue by remaining on professional terms only.
I reported this incident in writing to our HR department and alerted my boss to the fact that this difficult co-worker also told me he loses sleep and cries at night wondering how he could make our relationship better. My "business-only" solution worked for a while but then the co-worker really started to annoy me. He'd go around to people I am on friendly terms with and ask them personal questions about me. He would start conversations that he knew would annoy me and refuse to go away when I told him I didn't want to talk anymore. He embarrassed me in front of trainees and has openly criticized my work to my boss and other co-workers.
Our department, which had once been fairly cohesive and cooperative, was by this time completely broken apart because of this man's gossipy, negative, intrusive behavior. I tried my best to simply ignore him, but one day he started an argument with me in front of a trainee (I tried to walk away from it but he actually chased me down to continue!). I marched straight back to HR. To this point, my boss had done nothing about the situation even though he received numerous complaints from me and at least two other women that I know of. Our boss's boss called each one of us in to her office individually.
Here's what she told me:
My friend got the same speech. I have no idea what was said to the man. My immediate supervisor said nothing in my defense even though on prior occasions he agreed with me that the man was difficult, annoying and unusually emotionally fragile. The boss's boss said she would send us all to classes on dealing with difficult co-workers but this has yet to happen. The result? No one in my department speaks to anyone else and we can't work on any projects together. My friend and I are looking for new jobs.
We used to really enjoy our jobs, now we hate being here. Our theory is that this guy is just intimidated by strong female personalities. What can we do to make this situation more pleasant in the meantime, or perhaps to improve it to the point that we can start liking our jobs again? Why did I get blamed for the situation when I went to human resources asking for help and advice (which I followed by reporting and documenting incidents). And was the boss's boss fair in her assessment - is it so terrible that the two of us happen to be friends?
Signed,
A Team Divided
Dear
Team Divided:
Conflict over job issues can motivate creative solutions. Interpersonal conflict, however, can give you the Monday Morning Blues. Unless your immediate boss will take time out to collaboratively sort out the conflicts you describe, your choice of letting the "irritant" run you out is all you can do. You can find another job.
Bullies too often win. Coping strategies in these cases of dealing with difficult people is avoidance. And you are right to avoid such individuals. Professionalism only goes so far. It does not make you happy in your job.
It may be that even interpersonal conflict can do some good. It might cause you, who feel unjustly blamed, to prod your group leader to face up to the lone ranger-would prefer to deal with stranger mindset that has emerged. If so, you and she or he might find some help regarding team effort by reading the many teamwork Q&As in our Archive.
We go when WEGO is not a regular job practice.
Bill Gorden